There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
You dont lie about slip and slides
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
But break dance skills will only take you so far
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Randomize
