i was born a porn star she said
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants