I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Randomize
