I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I said "one day" and that day is not today
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