remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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