I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
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do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
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This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.