forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
25 People Didn’t Realize They Were Talking To Someone Famous
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
21 People Tragically Stumbled Upon A Dead Body
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.