turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
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