the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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