tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
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