Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
