The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
