Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
