this beer tastes like vomit already
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Randomize
