You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
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