R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
