the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
he high fived his dick after we had sex
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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