Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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