My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Randomize
