Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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