all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Randomize
