Of course we end up in a gay bar... And I have to tell you there are some hot dudes here, should I pass around your Facebook?
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
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Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
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Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
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