why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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