Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
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TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
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