Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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