i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
