Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Randomize
