My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
