your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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