ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Randomize
