I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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