I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
25 Children of Helicopter Parents Admit The Most Horrible Thing They Were Put Through
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Proof That Kendall Jenner Is The Queen of Cannes
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.