I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
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