Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Randomize
