Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
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