And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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