I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
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