Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
