This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
Randomize
