Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
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