Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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