Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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