Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
smell my finger.
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I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
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hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
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