I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
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