Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.