You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.