are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
