he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
