I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.