Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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