Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
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I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
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So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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