my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Randomize
